Tuesday Coffee Chat - 5/09/17

Today I'm joining Les at Ink Interrupted for her Tuesday Coffee Chat, where we are asked to respond to the question... "It's my birthday and Mother's Day soon... what should I do?"  She will be spending her weekend camping in the woods with a group of young Girl Guides, so she asks what we would wish for her as an alternative way to celebrate, or what we might wish for ourselves.

As I noted in my comment on her blog, and even though her family plans to celebrate with her a bit when she gets home on Sunday night, I think she should plan to have a late birthday celebration the following weekend.  My mother taught us that it's important that each holiday and life event be a reason for celebration, even though not a great deal of money needs to be spent to make it fun. Since Mother's Day is typically a celebration of family... either with your own mother, or as the mother of your children, perhaps it would be fun, since hers run so close together, to have her birthday celebration be a romantic overnight getaway with just her husband, with lots of candles, music, and good things to eat! 

I also believe that children should be taught to give gifts, even if they need a little help with funds when they are small.  I have seen children whose parents just include their name on the gift card for others, and they grow up to not have an understanding of how much mothers, and other relatives, appreciate a gift chosen just for them, even if it is something inexpensive, or a single flower, or even better yet, something hand made.  It is about the thought and effort expended, not the dollar value! 

I can remember my sisters and I saving up money from our small weekly allowances to go to the dime store and purchase gifts for my mother on Mother's Day.  It might have been a lace handkerchief, or some other pretty thing we thought she'd like, but she always was so very pleased with whatever we got. As we got a little older we began to make birthday cakes and Mother's Day cakes, and decorate them as fancy as we were able!  I know she cherished those efforts, just as I cherish the things my own two grown children do for me now, always with great thought and always spending too much!

However this weekend works out for you, Les, I hope you have a wonderful time camping, and that you are duly celebrated when you arrive home and that there will be cake with candles! :-)  We never grow too old for birthday cake, and we should never grow to old to celebrate another year of life given to us either!  I am sad for people who bemoan their birthdays, they are a gift!

For myself, my birthday was in February.  Our children don't live close enough to visit, but my husband always makes sure it's special, and I also follow the belief that it's okay, even awesome, to treat yourself!  Go and do something fun if you are home alone, get a treat, buy something special, make it a fun day!

Mother's Day is kind of bittersweet here though my dear husband tries his best to make it nice for me.  His mother and my mother have long since passed on, and my children won't be here to share it with me. There will be phone conversations most definitely and lovely treats and gifts in the mail, and my husband will take me out for a special dinner if I want to go. But I will always wish that I could spend it with my children. Maybe someday down the road life will take us closer to them. I know that my husband feels very much the same on Father's Day and his birthday, although his daughters, sadly, rarely do gifts or even cards. A text is nice, but come on girls, a little more effort for the dad who loves you so much, please!  My kids always remember him generously on his birthday and at Christmas, and I am proud of them for that.

In our house the furkids also get in on the gift giving. Christmastime and birthdays find my children getting a gift from ours, (since we keep the gift giving exchange limit very low),  and of course they will have a little help to give their "Daddy" a gift for Father's Day and for his birthday, it just makes it fun. :-)

And that's about all I have to say about that, I am very blessed and very loved and those are big reasons to celebrate, not just on my birthday or Mother's Day, but everyday!

Tuesday Coffee Chat - 5/02/17

Today I'm joining Less at Ink Interrupted for her Tuesday Coffee Chat, where we are asked to finish the sentence "If I could go anywhere today..."

If I could go anywhere today, where would I go? How could I choose just one destination? There are people I haven't seen in quite awhile...  my daughter, and my sisters; and people I've never met in person, but I'd love to. There are places I haven't been in a long time... the state I call home, and places where I feel most at home... the ocean. There are far away places that I lived long ago... Germany, I'd love to see how it's changed from what I remember. There are places that I've never seen, that are on my bucket list... the Pacific Northwest, the redwoods, Alaska, and a tropical island or two.  So many choices!

Then the answer came in a flash of brilliance... If I could go anywhere, I'd travel back in time, I'd go spend a day with my children when they were small; we'd play and bake cookies, and do fun things all day; and we wouldn't worry about unmade beds or washed faces.

Children grow up so fast while we are busy with working and parenting and housekeeping and such, and one day you discover they're grown and off on their own; and you will miss those days long ago, when life was about building blocks and feeding ducks at the park, and reading Dr. Seuss before breakfast.  Yes indeed, if I could go anywhere, that's surely where I would go!

Tuesday Coffee Chat - 3/28/17

Today I'm joining Less at Ink Interrupted for her Tuesday Coffee Chat, where the topic of the day is "What is your Go To Confidence Booster?"

About the only thing I felt confident in growing up was my intellectual ability. Learning came easy to me and I enjoyed it.  But that didn't translate to popularity, where other factors were more important.  I certainly didn't have confidence in my appearance or my ability to handle social situations.  My parents weren't skilled in instilling self-confidence either, rather promoting fear of not being good enough or failing to meet their expectations. 

Fast forward to adult life, that sense of insecurity translated into introversion and making choices which in many ways affirmed their beliefs in my inability to handle my own life well.  Three long-term abusive failed marriages came with spouses who pounded all my perceived shortcomings and general worthlessness into my head.  Sadly, I reached the point of almost believing them. 

Almost is the key word, because a part of me fought back in silence.  Somewhere deep down I knew they were wrong, that I was ok, I was better than ok, there were things I was good at and things that were good about me, despite what they said.  At the end of the final thirteen year horror story, I realized that if I was going to survive at all I had to get out, to break free and discover myself again. 

Living on my own after so long was an eye-opening experience.  I realized that I had supressed my own likes and beliefs about myself to the point of not even being sure who I was anymore. I called the blog I began at that time "Picking up Pieces", and in my mind I was rebuilding the puzzle of my life, creating a new image of who I was and what I wanted to be.

A year later I met my present husband online, and that changed everything.  For once someone other than my children saw worth and value in me, someone thought I was worthy of being loved and cared for. I left my job of nineteen years, and moved to Texas to marry him when I was over 50 years old.

The changes in my beliefs about myself didn't happen overnight, it took a long time to regain a sense of self-esteem.  I certainly didn't enter that marriage with confidence, in fact I fully expected that at any point everything would change and the relationship would crumble.  It took me more than a year to began to see it as real, and some days I am still amazed that I am so blessed! 

In a nurturing environment, I began to see myself in a different light.  Even in work situations that were less than  ideal to say the least, I found my own voice and way to proceed, and I did those jobs well.  In fact, I've done all my jobs well, and I am confident in my ability to perform above expectations when it comes to working.

Aging has a lot to do with it too, the older you get the less you listen to negative input from others and the more you listen to your own heart, and I found things in me to like and even love. I know now that I am worthy, that I am of value and I was put on this earth for a purpose.  I know that I am capable of loving and being loved despite my imperfections.

In addition to my marriage, one of the biggest confidence boosters for me has been the wonderful and amazing relationships I've developed over time through blogging.  At long last I discovered that I wasn't a freak of nature, there were others who responded to life in a manner similar to me!   I found a place where I could be 100% real without fear of ridicule or condemnation, where I was free to explore thoughts and feelings, and even myself. 

I've changed a lot since I began blogging over ten years ago, the blog friends I've made have grown and changed too, and I think we are all better for our lives shared.  The blogsphere is generally a very encouraging environment, except for one or two crazies (but that's another story).   I have made friends here who know me far better than anyone in the real world including my family.  I feel safe here, free to be myself.

I have also learned through my blogging experience that, despite what anyone else has said or told me, I am capable of making friends, and of being a good, supportive, loving friend to others.  That is the biggest blessing in my life!  Friends and acquaintances here make me smile.  When emails or texts or notes pop in from any one of you, I feel so much happiness in the connection of caring and sharing.  That's a HUGE confidence booster!  When I need to feel good about myself, all I have to do is sign in and blog, and an emotional lift in the form of self-expression and feedback will come.  I am certainly not the most skilled or accomplished writer in the world, but if the friends I have here think I'm ok, then I really can't be all that bad! :-)

Happy Birthday Mom

How ironic that the question Leslie at Ink Interrupted asks us today at Tuesday Coffee Chat is "Are You Missing Someone?"   Why is it ironic?  Because today is my mother's 90th birthday. She departed for the spirit world when she was 67 after many years of struggling with crippling Rheumatoid Arthritis and in the end, COPD.  That was 23 years ago, and it feels like it's been forever. Now that I have just turned 63, being 67 doesn't seem so very old. 

Birthdays at our house were always celebrated events, though not with huge parties and lots of cash expended like is done now.  But there was always cake and balloons and gifts from each family member,  and parties with our friends when we were kids.  As we got up in grade school we began orchestrating birthdays for Mom, making her a cake, and smuggling flowers and gifts into the house, and we always knew she loved our efforts.  I always liked that her birthday was exactly one month after mine. 

My mother excelled at all things domestic, she was a good cook, an excellent baker, and kept a white-glove spotless house.  She saw that we had nice things to wear and pretty bedrooms. I remember her spending almost all day on Monday of every week washing laundry, and all day Tuesday ironing it, and I marvel at that now.  There is no way I would dedicate two days of my life each week to doing that, and yet that's the was it was done back then, everything had to be ironed.

Sadly, my memories of my mother are bittersweet, because we didn't have the kind of close relationship I have with my daughter.  My older sister was her favorite, and my younger sister was Dad's, and I was lost somewhere in the middle, a misfit who didn't really have a place no matter how hard I tried, always being her helper with projects, and Dad's too. 

As I moved into the teen years and began to develop my own way of seeing and thinking about things, we clashed at many points, though in reality I was a very well behaved teen, never partying or doing anything that would have been considered out of line.  But I did things like wear my hair straight down and parted in the middle and long maxi dresses, opposing the VietNam war, and even questioning the religion I was raised in.  She didn't understand, and I'm sure I was an embarrassment  to her in our small town  where maintaining middle class status was so very important. After all, my Dad was a prominent business man in the community and a member of the City Council!

I left home shortly after graduation, as in ran away, escaped, and didn't return to begin college in the fall as was originally part of the plan.  My life from there spiraled into directions unfathomable to them, and the distance between us grew.  However, my daughter, born when I was 21, brought joy to their lives, and we did go home to visit from time to time.

Shortly after my daughter turned one my husband decided we would move to Denver, and then shortly after that he joined the Army and was eventually sent to Germany, with us following him there.  I was never to reside in my home state again.

Over the years Mom and Dad came to visit a few times and we returned home for Christmas a few, but communication was different back then.  Long distance calls were expensive and Dad imposed a 7 minutes, once a week call limit on Mom.  She was a wonderful letter writer and I wish I had those letters now.  She also sent a Christmas care package each year filled with her baking and I miss those boxes more than you can imagine. 

I wasn't able to go home when Mom spent her last days in the hospital, there was no money for gas to drive that far, and my father refused to help me, telling me to wait and he would pay for my ticket home for her funeral, which he did.  But I didn't get to say goodbye, which hurts my heart to this day.

Twenty some years later, I miss her ever so much more. I think about how she would have loved unlimited phone calls, and quick message texting and sharing photos so easily.  I think about her view of the world, and how she saw mine, and some of the things she tried to tell me that I didn't understand then... but I do now.  I understand so much more, and although we were two very different people from different times, in some ways we are the same. She loved her children fiercely, she loved to bake, she loved to visit with people wherever we went, and she loved to write... I think she would have made a wonderful blogger!

The heart-shaped plate you see above is Franciscan's Desert Rose pattern.  Mom loved it and collected it piece by piece as we grew up, with us adding pieces to her collection for Christmas and birthdays.  We used those Desert Rose dishes every day, and I never thought I liked them all that much. But when she passed they became mine, because my sister intended to sell them and I disagreed, and now they grace a china cabinet all their own at my house, and I look at them and realize why she loved them so much.  They really are very beautiful... and in her own way so was she.  I miss her.

Tuesday Coffee Chat - Jan. 10, 2017

Today I'm linking up with Tuesday Coffee Chat at Ink Interrupted where Rory Bore asks us

"What was your biggest lesson learned in 2016?"

 

Wow, that's a hard one.  I learned a bunch of lessons last year, the way I learn most lessons... the hard way.  Sometimes it seems the ones you learn painfully stick with you better than the ones that come easily. Most often I have to repeat mistakes a dozen few times to actually get the message, but this past year brought some important messages home.

 

If I had to choose just one as the biggest lesson, I think it would be to trust fewer people and choose my friends and confidantes more wisely, which seems rather humorous since I've just started this blog as a place to share more of my personal thoughts and life with... pretty much anyone who cares to read them! 

 

But what I'm talking about is trusting people to be what they seem to be on the surface, and responding to that façade perception as the case may be.  At times the past year really caused me to question my ability to discern people who were friends from those who were covertly foes.  At the end of the year I realized how much time and energy I had spent on people who truly didn't like me.  Sometimes the undermining of my trust was intentional on their part, and sometimes maybe more of a subconscious thing, but I can say now that I definitely will be more careful of the people I expend my energy on, and use it for the ones that uplift and encourage me, and not ones who are "vexations to the spirit." 

 

That doesn't mean people I trust and consider to be friends have to think, believe, or act just the same as I do, it means we have to share similar values in the way we approach life and treat other people.  Kindness and honesty are BIG to me, so is mutual encouragement. If someone turns on me once I might forgive them and try again, because we all act out of character once in awhile, but if it happens again it's a sure bet that trust will go out the window... of a very tall building. :-)

 

Along with this lesson, there were other important lessons I learned last year too... things like... the lemming instinct is alive and well (hence our political farce),  be prepared to deal with what you ask for (because you just might get it), encourage people to make choices for their own lives based on their experiences (rather than telling them what you think they should do), take life one day at a time (exercise faith and don't panic about tomorrow), and my favorite... begin again (always begin again)!

 

 Join us and share what 2016 taught you!

Tuesday Coffee Chat - 11/01/16

 

Today I'm joining Rory Bore at Ink Interrupted for her "Tuesday Coffee Chat." This week's topic is  "How do you handle your failures?"  Grab your cup of coffee or glass of tea and join us...

In the past, I was probably harder on myself when I failed at something than anyone else was.  I did well in school and in any cerebral challenge I took on.  My capabilities did not extend to the physical realm though, I was awkward and uncoordinated, and it surely wasn't my area to shine.  I kept my embarrassment at doing poorly and not being competitive with my classmates to myself. 

In fact over the years I became an expert at internalizing my failures, and there were many... including failed attempts at completing my education and failed attempts at marriages, failed attempts to fit in at places of work, failed attempts at maintaining a healthy weight... and the list goes on... and on.  I became pretty good at beating myself up and seeing myself as a failure.  And when you feel as a failure, you stop trying, you surrender yourself to your fate of being a loser, and you avoid people who appear to be much more successful at life.

Only after turning fifty did I begin to put my past in the past and to see those failures in another light, being a bit more forgiving of myself.  I think now that I probably did the best I could in those situations at the given time and with what was presented.  If I failed at anything, it was clearly at making good choices.  In fact, that just may be the reason or many failures in life... choosing the wrong option to begin with. 

It's important to realize that we will make some poor choices along the way, and we will fail at all kinds of things major and minor, but just as the quote above says "Failure is not fatal."  Failure is a learning experience, a lesson in what not to do or what to do differently next time. Failure is also a motivator, it can teach us to persevere and try harder for something we really want to accomplish.

I failed three times at marriage. At first I said I wouldn't try again, since I had tried so hard at each of those and still they failed. Then I started thinking about why they failed... because I made poor choices, because the partners I chose did not have the skills or the desire to work at making a marriage work.  So I decided to try a new approach - repeated failure teaches us to do that. I made a list of all the qualities and characteristics of my first three husbands, and realized that the similarities were many.  Then I set my sights on finding the opposite of that in a partner... and I did! 

I've been married eight years now to the man of my dreams.  He isn't perfect, nor am I, but we are perfect for each other.  We both work hard at making each other and our relationship the priority, and failure isn't an option.  Our love grows stronger every year.  If I would have given up after failing three times, I never would have met him; I would have been alone for ever, never experiencing what real love was like.

I still fail at things on a regular basis; I am human and I will never be as perfect as I'd like to be.  Sometimes my failures defeat me and I shut down for awhile, retreating to my cave until I am ready to try again. But I am kinder to myself now... I give myself credit for persevering, and I try to focus more on what I do right and the times I've succeeded.  I am not a failure at life, I am a learner... I am a work in progress.