In the past, I was probably harder on myself when I failed at something than anyone else was. I did well in school and in any cerebral challenge I took on. My capabilities did not extend to the physical realm though, I was awkward and uncoordinated, and it surely wasn't my area to shine. I kept my embarrassment at doing poorly and not being competitive with my classmates to myself.
In fact over the years I became an expert at internalizing my failures, and there were many... including failed attempts at completing my education and failed attempts at marriages, failed attempts to fit in at places of work, failed attempts at maintaining a healthy weight... and the list goes on... and on. I became pretty good at beating myself up and seeing myself as a failure. And when you feel as a failure, you stop trying, you surrender yourself to your fate of being a loser, and you avoid people who appear to be much more successful at life.
Only after turning fifty did I begin to put my past in the past and to see those failures in another light, being a bit more forgiving of myself. I think now that I probably did the best I could in those situations at the given time and with what was presented. If I failed at anything, it was clearly at making good choices. In fact, that just may be the reason or many failures in life... choosing the wrong option to begin with.
It's important to realize that we will make some poor choices along the way, and we will fail at all kinds of things major and minor, but just as the quote above says "Failure is not fatal." Failure is a learning experience, a lesson in what not to do or what to do differently next time. Failure is also a motivator, it can teach us to persevere and try harder for something we really want to accomplish.
I failed three times at marriage. At first I said I wouldn't try again, since I had tried so hard at each of those and still they failed. Then I started thinking about why they failed... because I made poor choices, because the partners I chose did not have the skills or the desire to work at making a marriage work. So I decided to try a new approach - repeated failure teaches us to do that. I made a list of all the qualities and characteristics of my first three husbands, and realized that the similarities were many. Then I set my sights on finding the opposite of that in a partner... and I did!
I've been married eight years now to the man of my dreams. He isn't perfect, nor am I, but we are perfect for each other. We both work hard at making each other and our relationship the priority, and failure isn't an option. Our love grows stronger every year. If I would have given up after failing three times, I never would have met him; I would have been alone for ever, never experiencing what real love was like.
I still fail at things on a regular basis; I am human and I will never be as perfect as I'd like to be. Sometimes my failures defeat me and I shut down for awhile, retreating to my cave until I am ready to try again. But I am kinder to myself now... I give myself credit for persevering, and I try to focus more on what I do right and the times I've succeeded. I am not a failure at life, I am a learner... I am a work in progress.
