In the past, I was probably harder on myself when I failed at something than anyone else was. I did well in school and in any cerebral challenge I took on. My capabilities did not extend to the physical realm though, I was awkward and uncoordinated, and it surely wasn't my area to shine. I kept my embarrassment at doing poorly and not being competitive with my classmates to myself.
In fact over the years I became an expert at internalizing my failures, and there were many... including failed attempts at completing my education and failed attempts at marriages, failed attempts to fit in at places of work, failed attempts at maintaining a healthy weight... and the list goes on... and on. I became pretty good at beating myself up and seeing myself as a failure. And when you feel as a failure, you stop trying, you surrender yourself to your fate of being a loser, and you avoid people who appear to be much more successful at life.
Only after turning fifty did I begin to put my past in the past and to see those failures in another light, being a bit more forgiving of myself. I think now that I probably did the best I could in those situations at the given time and with what was presented. If I failed at anything, it was clearly at making good choices. In fact, that just may be the reason or many failures in life... choosing the wrong option to begin with.
It's important to realize that we will make some poor choices along the way, and we will fail at all kinds of things major and minor, but just as the quote above says "Failure is not fatal." Failure is a learning experience, a lesson in what not to do or what to do differently next time. Failure is also a motivator, it can teach us to persevere and try harder for something we really want to accomplish.
I failed three times at marriage. At first I said I wouldn't try again, since I had tried so hard at each of those and still they failed. Then I started thinking about why they failed... because I made poor choices, because the partners I chose did not have the skills or the desire to work at making a marriage work. So I decided to try a new approach - repeated failure teaches us to do that. I made a list of all the qualities and characteristics of my first three husbands, and realized that the similarities were many. Then I set my sights on finding the opposite of that in a partner... and I did!
I've been married eight years now to the man of my dreams. He isn't perfect, nor am I, but we are perfect for each other. We both work hard at making each other and our relationship the priority, and failure isn't an option. Our love grows stronger every year. If I would have given up after failing three times, I never would have met him; I would have been alone for ever, never experiencing what real love was like.
I still fail at things on a regular basis; I am human and I will never be as perfect as I'd like to be. Sometimes my failures defeat me and I shut down for awhile, retreating to my cave until I am ready to try again. But I am kinder to myself now... I give myself credit for persevering, and I try to focus more on what I do right and the times I've succeeded. I am not a failure at life, I am a learner... I am a work in progress.
Fear of failing almost kept me from getting married at all!! I spent my 20s actively avoided it. My mom had two divorces when I was growing up, and I just really didn't have the example of what a good marriage should look like. No Idea. But, of course, I am glad the wisdom of age arrived and reminded me that my life would/could be completely different. I mean, imagine my life if I had not taken that step because I was afraid of failing!? I still think about it -- but like you, when you got the right partner, it's work: but work you gladly do! Love your attitude and I think your wise words would help a lot of young people these days.
ReplyDeleteThanks! I do think fear holds us back from so much good in our lives, sometimes we just have to take that leap of faith, like you did with your marriage... and it's been such a blessing to you!
Delete50 changes everything! Hahaha! I think we all place too much pressure on ourselves sometimes. I am remarried, almost 12 years now, and I wish I could say he's the man of my dreams, but he's just a regular guy, not an ounce of romance in him. It is what it is.
ReplyDeleteYes, reaching the half-century mark really is an awakening of sorts, I think at that point you start to view yourself with a healthier perspective, more realistic, and a bit more forgiving.
DeleteBeing married to "a regular guy" isn't so bad, my daughter and I were discussing just that the other day. She listed all the nightmare scenarios friends and coworkers tell her about their marriages to men with problems and issues that signal eventual marriage disasters. I used to be attracted to bad boys and misfits. Give me a regular, normal guy any day! You can live with that. Help him out with romance skills, give him a list of little things that would make you smile, and be sure to do little sweet things for him too!
I am so inspired by you! You know it hasn't been a couple of easy years for me either, and there were days I just wanted to quit as my failures overtook me. Although I am still looking for the "right one" I too am learning to move onto from the past and forgive myself.
ReplyDeleteI have to say that anything I've learned in life, I've had to learn the hard way, usually by making the same mistake enough to make my head hurt from pounding it on the wall, but eventually I catch on. :-)
DeleteYou crossed the 50 year mark not too long ago either, and as I was saying in the comments above, I think it's a time of awakening, we can't change the past but we don't have to live in its shadows or under the weight of failures. Every day is a new day to begin again, always begin again! I am loving the new start you've just made with a new house in a new city, as you settle in you just might be surprised at what God has in store! I was just a little older when I finally met my true soul mate! :-)
Fifty was a magic number for me. Like you I put the past away and moved on. I do the best I can and when I make mistakes I don't see them as failures but as learning experiences and as stepping stones to a better way. Sometimes I do wallow in the failure for awhile 😼 but not for long. It's dark in the pits and the Light draws me out and back to joy and whatever is next on the journey.
ReplyDeleteAs you can see from my comments above, I absolutely agree that 50 could be a magic number, a time of taking stock in your life more than half lived, and deciding how you want the rest of it to be. We don't have to keep dragging that baggage around with us! I think most of us might wallow or a little bit when we fail at things we wish we wouldn't have or should have known better than, but then we dust ourselves off, reminds ourselves where our strength comes from, and begin again. The Light always seeks us, we were made to live in peace and joy!
DeleteWork in progress is best we can opt for....willing to adapt, be open, and change.
ReplyDeleteIt's an important belief to me, Zoe. I know that I'm not perect, far from it, I also know that I am capable of learning and change, and I intend to keep improving myself until the day I die. I want to be the authentic me, the one I believe is in there somewhere!
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