BETRAYAL
I often thought I might succumb to violence
Felled by a blow from a mortal enemy's hand
But I never thought that you, the one I trusted
Would tear out my heart and feed it to the dogs
It would have been kinder to kill me more quickly
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I wrote the above poem over twenty years ago in response to a particularly brutal betrayal by someone I trusted implicitly. I was totally blown away by that experience, just as I was by the betrayals that preceded it and those that have occurred since. When I was pondering a topic for today's Finish the Sentence Friday I realized that, based on the things I've shared here and on previous blogs, there really isn't much I am hesitant to write about. I pretty much put it all out there and let the chips fall where they may. I had to reach deep inside to uncover a topic that is uncomfortable for me to write about. Suddenly betrayal hit me squarely.
Betrayal isn't easy for me to talk about, much less write about, even though it's a subject all too familiar to me. I started to count the number of times I've been betrayed by someone close to me and memories came flooding back... friends, family members, partners, coworkers... I soon stopped counting.
After giving it some thought I realized the problem with writing about betrayal isn't in the recounting of what occurred, I do pretty well with looking at the events in my life with detachment once some time has passed, and I feel fairly comfortable sharing them.
Bottom line... I don't want to write about betrayal because I do not understand it. I am unable to comprehend why people do that to each other, fully aware of the havoc and hurt they are going to cause. I have never hated anyone badly enough to want to cause that kind of damage, to go for the kill. I am far more likely to say my piece and then walk away.
The number of betrayals I've experienced also makes me wonder if I am too trusting, a thought that makes me very uncomfortable. Does that mean I'm gullible and set myself up to be betrayed? Maybe, but I don't want to live my life being suspicious of everyone's motives, I want to give people the benefit of the doubt.
Sadly, in most if not all of the betrayals I've experienced in my life, I don't have a clue what I did that spurred that kind of behavior. In all honesty I really don't think I did anything to deserve it. So why then, why would someone do something so heartless and cruel, especially someone you trusted and maybe even loved? I wish I understood, I really wish I knew.
I can't make sense of betrayal so I don't want to write about it, because I really don't know what to say... other than to say it took my breath away.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
This was written for Finish the Sentence Friday hosted by Finding Ninee. This week’s sentence, in honor of our upcoming Mother’s Day in the US is “I don't want to write about…”
Betrayal is the worst kind of hurt, and i agree, i don't understand why people commit acts that betray others.
ReplyDeleteI agree with you Mimi, it is such an upsetting thing because it comes from a source we have placed our trust in. It is often not so much what is said or done as it is who did it. Intentional cruel or selfish acts bewilder me, they are outside of my understanding.
DeleteI don't understand betrayal either and completely understand you not wanting to write about it. I still think about a situation that happened last summer - it wasn't exactly betrayal, but it was, in a way, because a person's actions/comments left me reeling - I really thought we were good friends. I think about it a lot. I'm glad you linked up and please don't stop trusting people. xo
ReplyDeleteI think that is the heart of betrayal, Kristi, that we placed our trust in someone and discovered too late that it was misplaced. It is very hard to come to terms with. I know that I won't ever stop trusting people though, because there are a dozen wonderful folks to the occasional bad apple, and it isn't fair to toss the whole bunch for that wormy one. :-) Life and love are worth the risk... always!
DeleteBetrayal is so difficult to understand--often, I think, even for the betrayer. So we fill in what we can, and that can so easily turn toward blaiming yourself...which is not good. While I do think that it is necessary to protect ourselves from people who betray us, it is so important to go through life trusting and hoping others are worthy of our trust--I think. I have been carrying a big betrayal around for several years--a betrayal that was so big to me because of who it was and how deep the content struck. It has changed me and my relationship with a number of people...some who I'm less trusting of..,and others who I now respect and trust more than ever--thanks to the contrast. Does that make sense?
ReplyDeleteI agree with your Hillary, that the betrayer may not even fully understand their own actions or the consequences of them. I also agree with the importance of approaching life and people as though they are good and worthy of trust, and I will continue to do so despite the fact that once in awhile this goes very badly. I have learned however, due to such experiences, to be a little more self-protective when it comes to what I share of myself. Not everyone I interact with needs to know me on an intimate level. Just as you note though, such experiences also teach us to greatly value friends and family who have proven over time to be trustworthy and loyal. As it is with everything, some people teach us what we want to be, and some people teach us what we do not want to be, everyone is a lesson.
DeleteThank you for writing about what you didn't want to write about. It is courageous to speak of deep pain. I doubt betrayal can ever be understood. In betrayal there are really two victims and both are hurt; the betrayed intentionally and the betrayer unwittingly. The one betrayed bleeds and the betrayer withers. Both need healing. I think healing can come to the betrayed with greater success than for the betrayer because the first acknowledges the pain and feels sorrow, the second hides their pain and denies it. To be a victor is to not let the hurt make the heart cold and hard but to have it beat strong with compassion and love.
ReplyDeleteYes, in the end I think I managed to do a pretty good write on a topic I don't like to write about, LOL I think that we have to accept that pain, even deep pain, is a real and neccessary part of nearly every life. In coming to terms with that we are also able to look at it from a more a less emotional perspective and to understand, just as you say, that there really are two victims. Anyone who perpetrates such behavior is obviously hurt and struggling, and maybe so lost they are unaware of the hurt they cause. I love your closing thoughts in this comment, you always impart such wonderful wisdom! I do not want to ever let such experiences turn me cold and bitter, but rather to give me an opportunity to extend my ability to be loving and compassionate. It becomes easier as I grow older, but it is still a work in progress. I was glad to be able to accomplish some of that letting go this week, piece by piece I am unravelling the knots! XOXO
DeleteTrusting others is one of the hardest and maybe most necessary parts of being human. If we do, we open up to all sorts of potential pain, but also so much potential beauty. If we stay closed off (sometimes understandably) we may not find ourselves hurt, but we might also miss out on so much love and growth. Betrayal is hard to talk and write about, I think, because our own feelings color our perspective and perspective is, as the saying goes, reality. You are a wise woman, my friend. Keep loving, keep trusting, and keep sharing with us!
ReplyDeleteFinding the balance between trust and caution is difficult, Lisa. I tend to err on the side of being too easily trusting, but just as you note, that is preferable to closing yourself off to the joy and love relationships can bring. I think betrayal is difficult to deal with because in some ways we tend to feel somehow responsible even when we know that isn't really the case. There is also the pain of wondering why/if we deserved such ill treatment.
DeleteI have found that at some point in life I needed to revisit past betrayals and view them through the less emotional lens of the perspective time offers. It is then easier to accept that the people who do such things are probably in pain and expressing it the only way they know how. I can forgive and move on, but I don't revisit the situation to offer them another opportunity to do it again. I've tried and that rarely works out any better than the first time.
ReplyDelete