Today I'm joining Less at Ink Interrupted for her Tuesday Coffee Chat, where the topic of the day is "What is your Go To Confidence Booster?"
About the only thing I felt confident in growing up was my intellectual ability. Learning came easy to me and I enjoyed it. But that didn't translate to popularity, where other factors were more important. I certainly didn't have confidence in my appearance or my ability to handle social situations. My parents weren't skilled in instilling self-confidence either, rather promoting fear of not being good enough or failing to meet their expectations.
Fast forward to adult life, that sense of insecurity translated into introversion and making choices which in many ways affirmed their beliefs in my inability to handle my own life well. Three long-term abusive failed marriages came with spouses who pounded all my perceived shortcomings and general worthlessness into my head. Sadly, I reached the point of almost believing them.
Almost is the key word, because a part of me fought back in silence. Somewhere deep down I knew they were wrong, that I was ok, I was better than ok, there were things I was good at and things that were good about me, despite what they said. At the end of the final thirteen year horror story, I realized that if I was going to survive at all I had to get out, to break free and discover myself again.
Living on my own after so long was an eye-opening experience. I realized that I had supressed my own likes and beliefs about myself to the point of not even being sure who I was anymore. I called the blog I began at that time "Picking up Pieces", and in my mind I was rebuilding the puzzle of my life, creating a new image of who I was and what I wanted to be.
A year later I met my present husband online, and that changed everything. For once someone other than my children saw worth and value in me, someone thought I was worthy of being loved and cared for. I left my job of nineteen years, and moved to Texas to marry him when I was over 50 years old.
The changes in my beliefs about myself didn't happen overnight, it took a long time to regain a sense of self-esteem. I certainly didn't enter that marriage with confidence, in fact I fully expected that at any point everything would change and the relationship would crumble. It took me more than a year to began to see it as real, and some days I am still amazed that I am so blessed!
In a nurturing environment, I began to see myself in a different light. Even in work situations that were less than ideal to say the least, I found my own voice and way to proceed, and I did those jobs well. In fact, I've done all my jobs well, and I am confident in my ability to perform above expectations when it comes to working.
Aging has a lot to do with it too, the older you get the less you listen to negative input from others and the more you listen to your own heart, and I found things in me to like and even love. I know now that I am worthy, that I am of value and I was put on this earth for a purpose. I know that I am capable of loving and being loved despite my imperfections.
In addition to my marriage, one of the biggest confidence boosters for me has been the wonderful and amazing relationships I've developed over time through blogging. At long last I discovered that I wasn't a freak of nature, there were others who responded to life in a manner similar to me! I found a place where I could be 100% real without fear of ridicule or condemnation, where I was free to explore thoughts and feelings, and even myself.
I've changed a lot since I began blogging over ten years ago, the blog friends I've made have grown and changed too, and I think we are all better for our lives shared. The blogsphere is generally a very encouraging environment, except for one or two crazies (but that's another story). I have made friends here who know me far better than anyone in the real world including my family. I feel safe here, free to be myself.
I have also learned through my blogging experience that, despite what anyone else has said or told me, I am capable of making friends, and of being a good, supportive, loving friend to others. That is the biggest blessing in my life! Friends and acquaintances here make me smile. When emails or texts or notes pop in from any one of you, I feel so much happiness in the connection of caring and sharing. That's a HUGE confidence booster! When I need to feel good about myself, all I have to do is sign in and blog, and an emotional lift in the form of self-expression and feedback will come. I am certainly not the most skilled or accomplished writer in the world, but if the friends I have here think I'm ok, then I really can't be all that bad! :-)
