Being Heard

~Image Credit~

 

In a comment on yesterday's post, my friend Brenda wrote "I don't really like to share my thoughts as often when I do I am challenged or questioned."  That definitely struck a cord with me.  I have often found myself misunderstood or worse yet, totally ignored.  At times I feel like I must either do a poor job of communicating my thoughts, or they are just that far out in left field.  Being an Aquarian, I suppose the latter is a possibility. :-)

I learned not to share my thoughts, the personal ones, when I was growing up.  It seemed that whenever I would try to share something with my parents they would either get angry, make fun of me, or ignore me altogether.  The understanding and encouragement I was looking for wasn't there.  So I learned to keep my thoughts to myself.  That didn't work well either, for example... one morning I came down to breakfast following a blowup with my father the night before and sat there quietly eating.  My father said "Well I see you got that out of your system."  He had no idea how wrong he was, but I knew enough to let him think that rather than share the internal rage I was feeling at the moment.

As an adult I still experience being totally misunderstood. Often I think someone is on the same page as me, and reads my comments and behavior in the manner they were intended. Then at some later point they will make it clear that they have no idea what I meant or what I am about!  It leaves me not only hurt but totally bewildered, wondering how I could be so misunderstood.

It was my great joy to discover that I could actually meet people via the Internet who DID think along the same lines as me, and who, if they didn't, were capable of  respecting my thoughts and being supportive and kind.  At last I realized I had a tribe, it just didn't exist where I was growing up. 

Recently I had a friend, or so I thought, that found it necessary to disagree with or challenge nearly everything I said, or to point out how superior her way of thinking and acting was.  She didn't treat everyone this way, just me, as if I was the target for something.  I tried to discuss it more than once, to tell her how it felt and to request that she try to be more supportive, but she chose not to change her behavior, so I chose to not be her friend anymore.  Real friends encourage us. You can be honest without being critical, you can always be caring and kind.

I share my thoughts more carefully now days, the backlash from being challenged and misunderstood is too painful.  I try to walk on the path gently and say things that are positive rather than negative, I try not to argue or debate as much as I once did. I try to understand other points of view and to realize that not everyone is at the same place in life I am.  We all need someone who just listens, without judgment, and who cares about what is important to us. We all need encouragement.

When someone shares there thoughts, I am making a greater effort to avoid formulating a response in my mind while I am reading their words or they are speaking, but rather to first just listen to what it is they are trying to say, and to then try to understand where they are coming from and why.  When I do that I can respond from a more compassionate and supportive place, and hopefully be a better friend.

The exchange of thoughts and ideas is fun, I can talk or hours with someone who wants to talk about ideas (rather than about things, like new shoes), it gets my brain firing on all cylinders and I start talking really fast because I am energized.  We learn by listening to what others have to say and comparing their ideas and beliefs to our own.  We learn by asking questions to make sure we do understand.  I encourage you to feel free to share your thoughts here.  Even if I think you are out in left field, I promise to consider what you have to say and respond in kindness. :-)